My awesome friend Beth is about to embark on 10 days of playing hockey! I know, crazy right? I don’t know much about the sport, but I do know that hockey for 10 days is a long time. I’m sure it’ll be tons-o’-fun and it’s for a great cause!
We are at a crossroads. And the sad reality is, I think we should go our separate ways. When it doesn’t feel good, release me from your shackles. No wait… not yet. Please…don’t leave me, I think I want you back! The truth is, I am in a constant state of flux with you. I want to punch you and embrace you at the same time. I am torn, and if I had a heart, it would be breaking; breaking like how an icy cold heart would break if I dropped it onto an icy cold floor. Please do not be upset with me. We have had a tumultuous- I may even go as far as to say a sordid- past that can only be described as epic, and you’ve had to put up with me through hell and high water… and low water. There’s only so much dramatics one can endure, and as I pound my fist to the heavens, I implore you to listen to me and try to understand what I am about to write.
I have known you all 29 years of my entire life, and there’s always been a strong attraction between us- physical, chemical, academically sensual…. QUANTIFIABLE. And when we became serious throughout the post-secondary times, things were fantastic. Seven years. Seven years was a long time. You were there when I was a bachelor with honours, and stood by me when I became a master of all things statistical. And sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, with many stresses and tears. It’s been an emotional wooden roller coaster. I remember sleepless all-nighters… and those were some good sleepless nights. I thought we’d be together forever. Is it true that all good things must come to an end? I don’t think so, but let’s say for the sake of argument that it is.
Albeit an amazing, memorable and impressionable seven years, I grew tired by the end; a tiredness akin to a Rhianna song after a month of radio play. I needed to take a break from you, and that was when I was drawn to another… and so I left you. His name was C.R.O., and there was an instant connection. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. He offered possibility, ambition, and an air of sexy professionalism. I did nothing to fight off his advances… and that position felt good. Yuh know I is ah Trini, and I attribute my respectable broughtupsy to my loving parents. But he introduced me to a new world that made me feel great and alive. A world where parties were presented in the guise of town hall meetings to discuss yearly budgets, and pharmaceutical grade drugs were the name of the game. These drugs had an indescribable appeal… but then they became too much, and I began to spiral out of control. I spoke in tongue- FDA, CDISC, ICH, GCP, and SOP guidelines. I started losing touch with the outside world, my reality, and I lost my sense of who I was and what was important to me. I tried to wean myself off… reclaim my weekends and my life, but I kept using more, day and night, with little break in between. It was an addiction, and part of me loved it. The challenge was a high, and to say that I didn’t thrive in that environment would be incorrect and a bold-faced lie. But my own self-analysis of my own self told me I was no longer the self I was analyzing; I wasn’t the same person any longer. Just as awesome, but different. And I longed for you… I really longed for you. And that is when I returned, with the corporate clothes on my back, and you welcomed me with open arms and with no judgement… even though you were aware of my temptation to relapse for that coveted high only the drug world could fix. The prodigal mate had returned.
And the last two years have been perfect. Perfect like the morning sun rising above the horizon of the ocean; the sound of waves crashing onto black rock cliffs with a force that cracks the deafening silence and leaves you speechless. Now that we’re back together, I’ve learned so much from you, and I’ve cherished every minute of it.
But as of late, I have been distant. I want simplicity and robustness in the relationship, yet recently, you have turned into an unstable model. Diva like, even. You’ve had a plethora of convergence issues, and I don’t know if I can handle them anymore. You’re just too unpredictable and complex for me right now, and I don’t think we see i to i. The fluctuations are too great: when I think our fit is improving, we start regressing. And when I’m on the verge of tears and I think that I’m just done with it!, you send me such lavish gifts like the one you sent me this week. How can I hate you then, as frustrated as I am with you? I melt, get all giddy and proud, and remember my love for you.
But all of this makes me confused, and this is where my crossroads begin. I am at a point where the opportunity for change lies ahead of me. Our current dynamic is a comfortable one with ebbs and flows, but there is a proverbial large silver fork in the road. Do I charge forward now into unfamiliar yet exciting territory, or stick with the status quo? And are you part of what I want for my future?
You sense my conflicted thoughts and feelings like a good partner. You acknowledge the ambition growing inside me that fuels this desire for advancement and change, and you want to be a part of it. So now, you tempt me like a cranberry bliss bar. You’ve inceptioned me with the idea of a grandiose accolade: the PhD. This is a thought that has occupied my mind a thousand times. You’ve tried this before… each year for the last 4 years. Each time, I wrestle with the decision, and each time, I reject you. Do you not understand that no means no? But here you are again, looking all handsome and seductive, wanting to call me doctor…. and it is an enticing game you are playing. How could I not be interested, intrigued, and drawn in by the pheromones you call success? You know I get a nerd-on when you have me lusting after that kind of achievement…
But I do know you, and this is nothing more than an altruistic gesture. In fact, this is one of the reasons why I’ve grown to love you. You’ve always wanted to unlock my potential, and I have the potential to do so many great things in this world. Let’s face it, we’ve already talked about how much awesome is contained inside me, waiting to erupt like an alien baby, or whatever else erupts. I know that I have the diligence and aptitude to achieve a PhD, but is this my path? A colleague told me that I may have all the confidence in the world, but confidence will get me nowhere. Starting something and having confidence will get me wherever I want. It’s the difference between dreaming and doing. I can think about it all I want, but I will only truly know what it’s all about if I apply and try. But starting something doesn’t necessarily mean a PhD. There are so many choices.
We can all achieve our greatest potential by taking the path that is most fulfilling to us personally. This is something I need to figure out, and a good part of me doesn’t think a PhD is the answer to unlocking that potential. You recite quotes like Brian Tracy’s:
“The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good”,
and I interpret it as: Wow, the world of possibilities waiting to be released is so great, and there’s so much to explore, that maybe a PhD is not in the cards for me right now, or ever. Because let’s be honest with each other: your proposal requires a lot of commitment. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of commitment. Or you speak of author Tony Buzan’s quote on potential:
“Whatever your discipline, become a student of excellence in all things. Take every opportunity to observe people who manifest the qualities of mastery. These models of excellence will inspire you and guide you toward the fulfillment of your highest potential.”
And I get that you want to be that discipline. But this makes me think: There is so much outside of myself, and my world with you, that I can experience. So many individuals out there, and so many lessons to be learned from them. They could be the people I meet on my travels who help me truly live as much of this amazing and beautiful world as possible, or they could be the corporate managers from whom I learn to unlock my leadership potential and move up that proverbial ladder. This latter option lends itself to other professional opportunities… an MBA perhaps? Or maybe I just need to turn over a new leaf and forge a new path, different from everything we’ve been through and everything I’ve come to know. I’ve lived abroad before, and there’s no reason why I cannot or should not do that again. There is an overwhelming sense of wanting to break free from what I do, and from the mental constraints that tell me what I should do. But how long would this path sustain me? Part of me feels that would be a disservice to myself and all that I’ve accomplished. A student of excellence in all things- but what are those things? I speak as if you, Academia, and all of my other thoughts are mutually exclusive. Please do not interpret it this way. The thing is, I know you can offer me all of these things, wherever I want to go. Brian Mallow, “Earth’s premier science comedian”, explained academic life perfectly here. With you, I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I can take any direction. We could have an incredible life. I just don’t know if it’s the direction I want to take… or if I want to travel this journey with you. And the bottom line is that I already know my answer. No means no each and every time. I’m just not passionate enough to walk down that aisle with you.
But what if I spend my entire life searching? As I said, I have a fantastic life with you now, and if we can get back onto the same page, our relationship can be magical and I can embrace you once again. What if the most ideal situation for me right now is the situation I’m in right now? The problem with always looking ahead is that sometimes it’s difficult to see that the grass is actually the greenest where I currently stand. Despite all the excrement, there’s good fertilizer here. Deep down, though, I know that I need to move on from this current situation in order to grow, improve myself and advance my skills. What I need is a Madonna-like reinvention. But who really compares themselves with Madonna? This guy. As exciting, daunting and scary as the next phase will be, a very wise woman of sheer awesomeness recently reminded me that:
In the end, our journey has been rocky at best. However, can I make such a bold statement and say that I have an understanding and great appreciation for you, and that you just ‘get me’ with unwavering loyalty? And isn’t that something we all desire and strive for? Maybe you get me in a way that no drug, exotic care-free lifestyle or man in a suit ever could. But I’m oddly drawn to pharmaceuticals, aimlessly wandering exotic destinations… and men in suits. Among all of this dramatic turmoil, you stand by me unconditionally, and support whatever decision I make:
“Any path I choose is the right one, and the one I am supposed to follow.”
And so, I hope you understand why I am torn. Torn between what I may or may not know to be true in the nether regions of my black heart. Perhaps you are to me what Joey Potter is to Dawson Leery: my soul-mate. But as the entire world watched and realized during the epic conclusion of that love story, soul-mates do not always end up together in the end. They are kindred spirits, transcending the finiteness of our current reality. I think I am meant to live a very fulfilling life without you, though I will never be without you. Maybe it is time we go our separate ways. Maybe fate will bring us back together…
Irregardless of the decision to which my inner struggle brings me, you and I have a very special relationship. I am a cold-hearted Leo; I know this to be true. And I have always had trouble communicating with you. So, my dearest Academia, I bequeath to you this haiku with the hope that I am able to convey my juxtaposing feelings that are ready to burst out of my chest like a firework from Katy Perry’s breast:
So I’m not going to lie: When I get all thinky and stuff, I go to the self-help section at Chapters. I also go to the travel section, but this post isn’t about that. I thoroughly enjoy reading the backs of self-help books, or taking a glance at the contents. Specifically, I enjoy books about positivity, happiness, and achieving goals. Fluffy? Maybe. But I think that the constant bettering of oneself is quite important. Career aspirations and reaching your potential with work are key, but so is being the best you can be, personally. What kind of person do I want to be? Clearly I want to be 100% pure grade-A awesome, and even though I’ve already achieved this, there’s always room for improvement. This takes some thought, as well as action. So I like to work on this aspect of my life too, and self-help books help (which is why they’re called self-help!). During a recent conversation with a friend, she asked: what would you say if you were asked “So, what are you up to?”? I’m sure things like the craziness of work and the stress of school or the planning of a weekend come to mind. But thought of another way: what are you about? what is your purpose right now? What are you doing to go beyond who you are in order to embody the person you want to become? I know, deep right? I should probably read an Eckhart Tolle book, but I haven’t gotten around to it, so back off!
Well, these are a few of the things that have occupied my confused mind since returning from my most recent trip, and unfortunately, these thoughts are sort of in conflict with my 2011 resolution. But hey, sometimes we just think about what we want to do and who we want to be when we grow up, and this is one of those times :S. The truth is, I don’t know the answer to the question “What are you up to?”. She also asked me to create a personal context for myself in 3 words. For example, what kind of person do I want to be at work? Once I come up with 3 words that form a context that I can personify, then others will see me this way as well. The truth is, I don’t know my personal context. I really need to think about these things…! In any case, I love chatting with people about topics like this. Books are great too.
I’ve made attempts to read some self-help books in their entirety. “Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting: The Astonishing Power of Feelings” by Lynn Grabhorn is a popular book on The Law of Attraction. Basically, my interpretation is that if you send positive thoughts and energy out into the universe, then by the law of attraction, awesomeness will come back to you. I truly believe this, but even though this book has had a great effect on many people, it didn’t for me, I found it a bit fluffy, and I was never able to finish it. (Note: I don’t know a better word than fluffy at the moment, but you know… Fluffy.) Maybe it’s because it’s called “The Astonishing Power of Feelings”, and people who know me know that I can be a cold-hearted Leo who doesn’t feel feelings anymore. But also I found it a lot of book to say what I just wrote: positivity = awesomeness in return. Ever realize how much energy it takes to be negative? I have, because when I get into the depths of despair, I look in the mirror, slap myself in the face and say “What’s wrong with you?”! That slap takes a lot of energy! Instead, if you cast that positivity line into the sea of life, you’ll get a huge fish of awesomeness in return. And not just one fish on that hook. You’ll get, like, lots of fish.
One book that I managed to complete is “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin (… it was recommended by my friend Marie, and it’s half of #15 on my 30 before 30 list). If you go to the self-help section, there seems to be many books on this topic- what makes us happy? why do certain things make us happy? what does it mean to be happy? Although I found it difficult to relate to the author at times, it has some great lessons on finding happiness in the day to day. “Travelling the world forever” may make me happy, but it’s not really the reality of my current situation. So what are some things that I can do in my community, in my current situation, that can make me a little more happy? Should I feel guilty about thinking about my happiness when I’m so fortunate and I have so many opportunities available to me? I plan to revisit this book in another post, but one of the big messages I took away from this book is to “Be Rick”. OMG, could that sound cornier? Yes, I’m sure it could, but in this case, all it means is that I need to be true to who I am in my pursuit of being a happier person. And I know we all just want to “Be Rick”, but I’m sorry, you each have your own path to follow.
My last book plug for now was recommended to me by my friend Sony, and it’s called “The Comfort Trap: or, What If You’re Riding a Dead Horse?” by Judith Sills. I’m only about half-way through it, but so far it’s fantastic. This is what’s written on the back of the book:
“Your comfort trap is the familiar, tolerable, but unsatisfying situation you’ve created in your life. It’s the job, the relationship, the bad habit, the friendship that won’t end unless you end it though it drags down your spirit. Clinical psychologist and bestselling author Judith Sills shows you how to propel yourself to change in seven life-changing steps. Sometimes life’s tide does move us forward. This is a book for the times when it doesn’t.”
I love this synopsis for two main reasons. 1) Judith Sills, PhD has a very clear, non-fluffy writing style that allows me to read her book without rolling my eyes at the fluffiness of it all, and 2) The Comfort Trap focuses on the situations that you’ve created in your life, which means you can change it if you want it to change. Sometimes you just need to know when you should raise your hands in the air, proclaim “I’m just done with it!” all dramatically and with a grandiose gesture, and get off that dead horse. I’m sure I’ll be writing more on this book and the words of wisdom I get from it, because you know, I’m all about words of wisdom and encouraging stuff like that and stuff…
And with that eloquent conclusion, I say we all need to be as awesome as we know we can be and take control of our own situations. This requires thought and action while being happy in the moment. There’s a reason why in the mornings when I look at myself in the mirror, I give myself the wink and the gun and say: “Hey! Yeah you!… you’re alright” :). Action = AWESOME!
In August 2010, after completing a wonderful three weeks at Epidemiology summer camp in Ann Arbor, Michigan (I know, right? I’m THAT cool…), I found myself back in the Toronto area having dinner with my good friend Marie. It was a beautiful day outside; we were sitting on a patio at some restaurant located at the Harbourfront Centre downtown. It was around the Caribana weekend, and men and women were all dressed in white awaiting the start of their boat cruise where they’d party the night away. There was a light breeze in the air, and a bird flew by. I was oddly subdued and mellow. It was a few days before my 29th birthday.
Marie: “What’s going on with you?”
Me: “Things are going good. I’m good.”
Marie: “You’re so mellow, it’s weird!”
Marie
Me: “OMG, woe is me!” [Eye roll; dramatic sigh]. “I just don’t know what to do. I lack direction and need something to help me focus. But what can a humble analyst do?” [Sip my drink… let’s say wine]It’s true. I was looking a bit spacey. I can’t quite recall what I was thinking about, but I want to say that the realization that my month long break from work was coming to an end weighed on my mind, and I would soon return to Calgary, at 29, with a lack of a life plan. I had no S.M.A.R.T. goals (i.e. goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely). I was like a lost puppy, both in terms of cuteness and being lost. The following conversation took place VERBATIM:
Marie: [SLAP] “Snap out of it, man, and pull yourself together!”
Me: “I can’t believe I’m turning 29. It’s that much closer to that age next year.”
Marie: “Eureka! I know EXACTLY what you need to do. You need to create a list. A list of 30 things you want to accomplish before you’re 30. In other words, a “30 before 30″ LIST! My friend Claire has one, and I’ve started one, and it’s the Best. Thing. EVER!”
Exploring ‘caves’ at Rattlesnake Point
Okay, so maybe the conversation didn’t go exactly like that. Marie is awesome and not violent, so she wouldn’t have slapped me. Nor would she have used the word “Eureka!”. And I do think we referred to 30 as that year, but it’s really NBD, no big deal, as it’s just a number. But the main point of it all is that I sat there, moved, and lost in thought. Marie was absolutely right!
There are so many things many of us talk about wanting to do… I want to do this, that, and the other…. and sometimes those ‘things’ get lost in our thoughts, we forget about them, or put them off for another rainy or sunny day. Or maybe we just can’t work up the courage to even attempt them in the first place. I definitely have a good collection of these ‘things’.
Taking a helicopter tour over the volcano on the Big Island, Hawaii
So Marie and I began working on my list right then and there, entering items into the Notes application on my iPhone. It was inspiring. One may even call the process epic and awesome. My list would consist of OMG-you-haven’t-done-that items, like trying a gin and tonic, as well as bigger goals, like run a half marathon. Some are not S.M.A.R.T goals, but items to help guide me. And not all of the items are new. Some are things I wanted to make sure I do (again) at some point between list creation in August 2010 and my 30th birthday in August 2011. And if I don’t accomplish them all, I won’t sentence myself to the depths of despair. Like I said, my list is a guide. But it’s true what they say: by writing down these goals, there’s now a greater chance that I’ll complete them. And now I’ve started creating other lists, including my 3 Things Before 32, and my work in progress Things-I-Hope-To-Do-In-My-Lifetime-(Not a Bucket List)-List. What I’m really trying to say is that I’m a nerd, and I like To-Do Lists. So thank you, Marie, for making me start my 30 before 30 List. I dedicate this blog posting to you! And now others like Dan and Beth, with their 101 things to do in 1001 days, continue to inspire me and keep me motivated to accomplish as much as I can in my lifetime. Pure awesomeness indeed :).
HIKES & HAMSTRINGS 