Sigh, woe is me. Why, do you ask? Well, today I slept through two alarms and woke up at 9 am. I blame it on the previous day where I decided to do a full P90X Back and Biceps session in the morning and an 8 km run in the evening. Clearly my body was done. So much for getting an early start to the day. AND THEN, with all the hustle and bustle and franticness of trying to get out the door, I knocked over a glass of water with my plastic water bottle. Before I knew what was happening, it was on its way down from the counter to the floor. I know what you’re thinking- why would I have so much water on my counter? That’s a very good question. Needless to say, the glass was one of my staple Ikea glasses that sells for $0.79 :(. I’m now out $0.79 :(. Woe is me.
AND THEN, driving out of my heated parking lot, I saw snow. Flurries, actually sigh. And by the time I got to the office, this is what I saw. Yes, although it is officially spring, it is still winter here in Calgary. Woe is me, indeed :(.
I would now like to direct my own attention to this website: (http://whitewhine.com/). It’s called White Whine: A Collection of First World Problems. In the grand scheme of all things that can, do and may happen, it’s amazing how much we can whine about the most insignificant things rather than appreciate all of the going-ons for what they are. Shortly after the dramatics of the morning, I was talking with someone I know. In the month of April, a family member had an accident by slipping on some ice and fractured a leg in two places. Shortly after, her mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, and the cancer had spread. The prognosis is not good. And today, her mother found out she has cancer. Thankfully in this case, the prognosis is very good and whatever needs to be removed will be removed. It all got me thinking. Life is a beast with all its ups and downs, and yet it is amazing. It’s short, and yet there’s time to make it fulfilling. She is fortunate to have an amazing support system of family, friends and colleagues, and her and her family will endure and get through this in whatever way life intends. This is what’s important- loved ones and living the best life we can with the time that we have. My broken glass is just a broken glass.
I would like to start this blog post by introducing you to Jen, one of my closest and dearest friends. Jen is made of 100% Pure Grade-A Awesome. We met in grade 6, Ms. McCann’s class (Jen: please correct me if I’m wrong. My mind is a little fuzzy in my old age :D). I have memories of both of us painting on glass windows with window paint, chatting lots on the phone about anything and everything, and for some reason, I have a vague recollection of us trading books. Which books? That’s a mystery to me. Did I even read books back then? Needless to say, a close friendship was formed. Although we don’t see each other nearly enough (it’s been several years, actually…), she remains one of my greatest friends :). My artistic pursuits stopped shortly after the window painting, but Jen went on to pursue her passion for art and earned her degree in Studio Art and Art History. She’s now a Fine Artist in Ottawa, and extremely talented!! You can find her website at http://www.jenkershaw.ca/.
So what does this have to do with the Double Rainbow of Awesome? First off, if you haven’t seen the fantastic YouTube video of the guy who becomes emotionally overwhelmed by the sight of a giant double rainbow, you must watch it. I’ve embedded the video at the end of this post. It’s no secret that I have a thing for rainbows and fireworks. But double rainbows?? Oh my God…
So anyway, yesterday was a good Wednesday. I finished a continuing education class on SQL Server 2008 that I was taking, the weather was sunny and moderate for a change, and all was peachy in Calgary. I picked up some dry cleaning, had some pants hemmed… generally, life was good. Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, I returned home, opened up my mailbox, and found……. a mysterious package!
GAZOOKS!, I exclaimed. What could this be? Immediately I knew who had sent it. Obviously, it was Jen, since I just wrote all about her… but how did I know right away that it was Jen?? She had recently sent me a message wanting to confirm my address because she was updating her address book. I don’t think she was updating her address book. A clever ruse, she says. You win this round, Jen. You win this round. There’s nothing quite like getting a surprise in the mail that isn’t a flyer or a dreaded bill! So you know that scene from the movie Charlie and Chocolate Factory where Charlie runs all the way home after he finds the Golden Ticket?? Yeah, I didn’t do that, because I was already home and I was holding a bunch of dry cleaning; however, with Charlie’s gusto and enthusiasm, I walked up the stairs to my place, put my stuff down, and began unwrapping the mystery before me. What I opened can only be described as BRILLIANT, EPIC, and ABSOLUTELY AWESOME:
That’s correct, folks. A DOUBLE RAINBOW T-shirt!! Seriously, can it get any better than this??
Jen had mentioned that when she saw this T-shirt, she immediately thought of me and my affection for all things YouTube and meme-tastic. It’s true. I like YouTube. And I like memes.
So Jen: Thank you. This was incredibly thoughtful. I send you my love and a gigantic virtual hug the size of a giant double rainbow. I will wear this shirt with beaming double rainbow pride. You truly made my day. 🙂
Oh Sunday, how I love thee. Today is a rest/stretch day in Round 4 of the P90Xing, so I started the morning with StretchX, followed by making myself an eggs breakfast… because really, is there anything better than that on a Sunday? I suddenly felt like breaking free from my routine. Yes, I was feeling a bit adventurous. So what did I do? I decided to try something that had the potential to be an epic disaster: Make my own coffee… GASP! Now, I may be awesome at a lot of things, but for some reason, I can’t seem to make myself a good cup of coffee. I’m a huge Starbucks fan and their Pike Place coffee never disappoints. But my own cup of coffee never has the same caffeine drop-kick to the face the way I like it. Nevertheless, armed with my FÖRSTÅ coffee/tea maker, I was ready to go. A quick note: my coffee/tea maker was recently recalled by Ikea due to potential pressure from the metal holder causing the glass to break, but I haven’t taken mine back as yet… read about it here. In retrospect, perhaps the key to making a good pot of coffee is a good coffee maker, but golly, back off and get out of my face! It’s not like I’m rich or anything- so maybe one day I’ll splurge and get one. Sadly, for this humble analyst, today is not that day. Now onto the story! I’ve taken photos to document the process… and of course, to show off my photogeneticism (a real word?), which I’m taking to mean: the genetic predisposition to showcase my awesome photogenic ability and appear aesthetically pleasing in at least 95% of all photographs … and cue smile.
The coffee of choice comes from my recent trip to Hawaii: Ground 100% Kona Coffee, Gourmet Roast from the Mulvadi Corporation. Kona coffee was oh so good while I was there, and I miss it so. Naturally, I’d be able to brew my own to the standards it deserves. Yes, naturally. It has been a couple of months since that trip and I still had not opened the package. When I opened it, it smelled so good…
As the photo at the top of this posting shows, I had everything I needed. Apparently, in order to make coffee, you need hot water. So I boiled myself some (watching intently to make sure nothing went wrong… it’s a delicate science), and then I poured the boiling water into my FÖRSTÅ coffee/tea maker, which had about 2.5 spoonfuls of coffee. Oh yeah, I knew what I was doing.
And then I waited for a few minutes while I ate breakfast. I believe it was ‘brewing’… brewing a pot of awesome!
And THEN… I poured myself a cup of coffee. The anticipation was killing me- could this be the best home brewed coffee in the history of ever!? I was hopeful that it would be.
The verdict? I wouldn’t go as far as to say that my attempt was an epic fail of global proportions. The quality of the coffee is so good that making an undrinkable cup of coffee would be very difficult, even for someone as inept as me. But here’s a reenactment of the initial sip of my coffee…
But alas, I was being too harsh on my first cup. After the initial sip, I actually liked what I had created! And I’ve been drinking it the whole time I’ve written this post. It may not have been the best coffee ever in the history of ever, but I’d say I’m well on my way to becoming quite the coffee connoisseur! Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be buying my Pike Place coffee, but now there’s a special place in my black heart for my home brewed variety.
We are at a crossroads. And the sad reality is, I think we should go our separate ways. When it doesn’t feel good, release me from your shackles. No wait… not yet. Please…don’t leave me, I think I want you back! The truth is, I am in a constant state of flux with you. I want to punch you and embrace you at the same time. I am torn, and if I had a heart, it would be breaking; breaking like how an icy cold heart would break if I dropped it onto an icy cold floor. Please do not be upset with me. We have had a tumultuous- I may even go as far as to say a sordid- past that can only be described as epic, and you’ve had to put up with me through hell and high water… and low water. There’s only so much dramatics one can endure, and as I pound my fist to the heavens, I implore you to listen to me and try to understand what I am about to write.
I have known you all 29 years of my entire life, and there’s always been a strong attraction between us- physical, chemical, academically sensual…. QUANTIFIABLE. And when we became serious throughout the post-secondary times, things were fantastic. Seven years. Seven years was a long time. You were there when I was a bachelor with honours, and stood by me when I became a master of all things statistical. And sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, with many stresses and tears. It’s been an emotional wooden roller coaster. I remember sleepless all-nighters… and those were some good sleepless nights. I thought we’d be together forever. Is it true that all good things must come to an end? I don’t think so, but let’s say for the sake of argument that it is.
Albeit an amazing, memorable and impressionable seven years, I grew tired by the end; a tiredness akin to a Rhianna song after a month of radio play. I needed to take a break from you, and that was when I was drawn to another… and so I left you. His name was C.R.O., and there was an instant connection. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. He offered possibility, ambition, and an air of sexy professionalism. I did nothing to fight off his advances… and that position felt good. Yuh know I is ah Trini, and I attribute my respectable broughtupsy to my loving parents. But he introduced me to a new world that made me feel great and alive. A world where parties were presented in the guise of town hall meetings to discuss yearly budgets, and pharmaceutical grade drugs were the name of the game. These drugs had an indescribable appeal… but then they became too much, and I began to spiral out of control. I spoke in tongue- FDA, CDISC, ICH, GCP, and SOP guidelines. I started losing touch with the outside world, my reality, and I lost my sense of who I was and what was important to me. I tried to wean myself off… reclaim my weekends and my life, but I kept using more, day and night, with little break in between. It was an addiction, and part of me loved it. The challenge was a high, and to say that I didn’t thrive in that environment would be incorrect and a bold-faced lie. But my own self-analysis of my own self told me I was no longer the self I was analyzing; I wasn’t the same person any longer. Just as awesome, but different. And I longed for you… I really longed for you. And that is when I returned, with the corporate clothes on my back, and you welcomed me with open arms and with no judgement… even though you were aware of my temptation to relapse for that coveted high only the drug world could fix. The prodigal mate had returned.
And the last two years have been perfect. Perfect like the morning sun rising above the horizon of the ocean; the sound of waves crashing onto black rock cliffs with a force that cracks the deafening silence and leaves you speechless. Now that we’re back together, I’ve learned so much from you, and I’ve cherished every minute of it.
But as of late, I have been distant. I want simplicity and robustness in the relationship, yet recently, you have turned into an unstable model. Diva like, even. You’ve had a plethora of convergence issues, and I don’t know if I can handle them anymore. You’re just too unpredictable and complex for me right now, and I don’t think we see i to i. The fluctuations are too great: when I think our fit is improving, we start regressing. And when I’m on the verge of tears and I think that I’m just done with it!, you send me such lavish gifts like the one you sent me this week. How can I hate you then, as frustrated as I am with you? I melt, get all giddy and proud, and remember my love for you.
But all of this makes me confused, and this is where my crossroads begin. I am at a point where the opportunity for change lies ahead of me. Our current dynamic is a comfortable one with ebbs and flows, but there is a proverbial large silver fork in the road. Do I charge forward now into unfamiliar yet exciting territory, or stick with the status quo? And are you part of what I want for my future?
You sense my conflicted thoughts and feelings like a good partner. You acknowledge the ambition growing inside me that fuels this desire for advancement and change, and you want to be a part of it. So now, you tempt me like a cranberry bliss bar. You’ve inceptioned me with the idea of a grandiose accolade: the PhD. This is a thought that has occupied my mind a thousand times. You’ve tried this before… each year for the last 4 years. Each time, I wrestle with the decision, and each time, I reject you. Do you not understand that no means no? But here you are again, looking all handsome and seductive, wanting to call me doctor…. and it is an enticing game you are playing. How could I not be interested, intrigued, and drawn in by the pheromones you call success? You know I get a nerd-on when you have me lusting after that kind of achievement…
But I do know you, and this is nothing more than an altruistic gesture. In fact, this is one of the reasons why I’ve grown to love you. You’ve always wanted to unlock my potential, and I have the potential to do so many great things in this world. Let’s face it, we’ve already talked about how much awesome is contained inside me, waiting to erupt like an alien baby, or whatever else erupts. I know that I have the diligence and aptitude to achieve a PhD, but is this my path? A colleague told me that I may have all the confidence in the world, but confidence will get me nowhere. Starting something and having confidence will get me wherever I want. It’s the difference between dreaming and doing. I can think about it all I want, but I will only truly know what it’s all about if I apply and try. But starting something doesn’t necessarily mean a PhD. There are so many choices.
We can all achieve our greatest potential by taking the path that is most fulfilling to us personally. This is something I need to figure out, and a good part of me doesn’t think a PhD is the answer to unlocking that potential. You recite quotes like Brian Tracy’s:
“The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good”,
and I interpret it as: Wow, the world of possibilities waiting to be released is so great, and there’s so much to explore, that maybe a PhD is not in the cards for me right now, or ever. Because let’s be honest with each other: your proposal requires a lot of commitment. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of commitment. Or you speak of author Tony Buzan’s quote on potential:
“Whatever your discipline, become a student of excellence in all things. Take every opportunity to observe people who manifest the qualities of mastery. These models of excellence will inspire you and guide you toward the fulfillment of your highest potential.”
And I get that you want to be that discipline. But this makes me think: There is so much outside of myself, and my world with you, that I can experience. So many individuals out there, and so many lessons to be learned from them. They could be the people I meet on my travels who help me truly live as much of this amazing and beautiful world as possible, or they could be the corporate managers from whom I learn to unlock my leadership potential and move up that proverbial ladder. This latter option lends itself to other professional opportunities… an MBA perhaps? Or maybe I just need to turn over a new leaf and forge a new path, different from everything we’ve been through and everything I’ve come to know. I’ve lived abroad before, and there’s no reason why I cannot or should not do that again. There is an overwhelming sense of wanting to break free from what I do, and from the mental constraints that tell me what I should do. But how long would this path sustain me? Part of me feels that would be a disservice to myself and all that I’ve accomplished. A student of excellence in all things- but what are those things? I speak as if you, Academia, and all of my other thoughts are mutually exclusive. Please do not interpret it this way. The thing is, I know you can offer me all of these things, wherever I want to go. Brian Mallow, “Earth’s premier science comedian”, explained academic life perfectly here. With you, I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I can take any direction. We could have an incredible life. I just don’t know if it’s the direction I want to take… or if I want to travel this journey with you. And the bottom line is that I already know my answer. No means no each and every time. I’m just not passionate enough to walk down that aisle with you.
But what if I spend my entire life searching? As I said, I have a fantastic life with you now, and if we can get back onto the same page, our relationship can be magical and I can embrace you once again. What if the most ideal situation for me right now is the situation I’m in right now? The problem with always looking ahead is that sometimes it’s difficult to see that the grass is actually the greenest where I currently stand. Despite all the excrement, there’s good fertilizer here. Deep down, though, I know that I need to move on from this current situation in order to grow, improve myself and advance my skills. What I need is a Madonna-like reinvention. But who really compares themselves with Madonna? This guy. As exciting, daunting and scary as the next phase will be, a very wise woman of sheer awesomeness recently reminded me that:
In the end, our journey has been rocky at best. However, can I make such a bold statement and say that I have an understanding and great appreciation for you, and that you just ‘get me’ with unwavering loyalty? And isn’t that something we all desire and strive for? Maybe you get me in a way that no drug, exotic care-free lifestyle or man in a suit ever could. But I’m oddly drawn to pharmaceuticals, aimlessly wandering exotic destinations… and men in suits. Among all of this dramatic turmoil, you stand by me unconditionally, and support whatever decision I make:
“Any path I choose is the right one, and the one I am supposed to follow.”
And so, I hope you understand why I am torn. Torn between what I may or may not know to be true in the nether regions of my black heart. Perhaps you are to me what Joey Potter is to Dawson Leery: my soul-mate. But as the entire world watched and realized during the epic conclusion of that love story, soul-mates do not always end up together in the end. They are kindred spirits, transcending the finiteness of our current reality. I think I am meant to live a very fulfilling life without you, though I will never be without you. Maybe it is time we go our separate ways. Maybe fate will bring us back together…
Irregardless of the decision to which my inner struggle brings me, you and I have a very special relationship. I am a cold-hearted Leo; I know this to be true. And I have always had trouble communicating with you. So, my dearest Academia, I bequeath to you this haiku with the hope that I am able to convey my juxtaposing feelings that are ready to burst out of my chest like a firework from Katy Perry’s breast:
My friend Marie commented on my most recent blog post: … if you wouldn’t mind to extrapolate on “if you cast that positivity line into the sea of life, you’ll get a huge fish of awesomeness in return. And not just one fish on that hook. You’ll get, like, lots of fish.” And she wondered if we had the same mental image of the fish of awesomeness.
Here, I present to you the ‘Fish of Awesomeness’.
I’m, like, totally awesome! Courtesy of Piranha 3D.
Clearly badass (yeah, it’s not really fitting for me to use this word, but it’s not for me. It’s for the Fish of Awesomeness). If you send out vibes into the sea of life, then like I said, you’ll get a bunch of fish of awesomeness in return. The funny thing about life is you never know what life will bring you. On one hand, these fish of awesomeness could be greeting you with open arms. On the other hand, they may just eat your arm… and your other hand. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes you need to take chances, but awesomeness will always prevail. In this case, the fish of awesomeness will prevail.
(Yes, these photos are from Piranha 3D. I never saw the movie, but from these photos, I can only assume that it’s fantastic and Oscar worthy.)
We’re, like, totally awesome! Courtesy of Piranha 3D.
Sigh, woe is me. Why, do you ask? Well, today I slept through two alarms and woke up at 9 am. I blame it on the previous day where I decided to do a full P90X Back and Biceps session in the morning and an 8 km run in the evening. Clearly my body was done. So much for getting an early start to the day. AND THEN, with all the hustle and bustle and franticness of trying to get out the door, I knocked over a glass of water with my plastic water bottle. Before I knew what was happening, it was on its way down from the counter to the floor. I know what you’re thinking- why would I have so much water on my counter? That’s a very good question. Needless to say, the glass was one of my staple Ikea glasses that sells for $0.79 :(. I’m now out $0.79 :(. Woe is me.
HIKES & HAMSTRINGS 