Reflection

2015 Retrospective

I love this time of year. The air is filled with nervous energy as people make lofty goals with great intentions. All the buzz has me, well, buzzing! But first, let’s look back on the year. Here’s my 2015 Retrospective.

Cirque Peak. One of the most beautiful hikes I did in 2015.

I love this time of year. The air is filled with nervous energy as people make lofty goals with great intentions. All the buzz has me, well, buzzing! Before I make a declaration for the new year, I like to reflect a bit on the previous. A personal retrospective, if you will. I never really feel like I accomplish much, though admittedly, I’m always hard on myself. In fact, as I sit in Second Cup trying to craft this post, I find myself feeling like I dabbled a lot in 2015 with no real progress in any one thing. A retrospective helps to celebrate achievements, identify opportunities, and prepare to take on the new year by storm… and to remind myself that it’s okay that not everything I pursued has lead to a definitive goal. It’s that whole idea of mindfulness and being present… or whatever that thing I’m not good at doing is all about.

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A Blogger’s End. A New Beginning

So it’s the last day of 2013. At the beginning of the year I set a goal for myself. (After all, I do like goals). The plan was to write 100 blog posts during the year. I peaked at 88 posts last year, so I figured 100 would be no problem.

Yikes! The task ended up being more difficult than I anticipated. See, I have always enjoyed blogging for the sake of blogging: to recount stories, reflect on significant events in my life, and track fitness and hiking goals. With each mountain peak came a synopsis. But once I committed to writing 100 blog posts, writing suddenly felt like a chore. Even though it forced me to jot down my thoughts and ideas, oftentimes I would write for the sole purpose of ticking another entry off the list. For many posts, my heart wasn’t in it, and I don’t like that. Am I glad I did the challenge? Absolutely. But will I do it again? Most likely not.

Looking back, it’s interesting to see that I blogged the most in October. I wrote about random stuff like Heritage Park and toasted coconut ice cream, but I also wrote my most heart-felt post of the year on the anniversary of my grandmother’s passing.

It’s no surprise that the least blogged month was March. I never really wrote about what happened in March. To recall, I accepted a new position at the beginning of December 2012 as a senior analyst. I would only last 4 months. Honestly, the job did not go as planned. I will be no means play a victim in this post, but I felt that I was lead to believe the position would be something different. I also didn’t see eye to eye with management on certain issues. In the end, I acknowledged that the job was not a good fit for me, and resigned. Unfortunately, I didn’t have another position lined up, and would spend the following 3 months in a state of anxiety with the volatility of many highs and lows. It wasn’t until I began working in June when my writing would pick up momentum once again. As a positive, during my unemployment, I did manage to travel to Ireland, spend a week with my family at home, road-trip to Ottawa, and watch hours upon hours of How I Met Your Mother and Spartacus. Time well spent I say.

2013 was also a very interesting year for reflection. I assessed who I want in my life and the direction I want to take my life. This was not without emotional strain and sadness. I’ve pulled away from some connections, yet formed stronger bonds with others. I’ve looked at my career path and realized that maybe it’s time to work toward something different. I’ve grown attached to Calgary, and yet I feel ready for a big adventure. It’s been a year of dichotomies, and while they provide interesting forks in the proverbial road, they’ve kept the year unpredictable and exciting.

And so I conclude 2013 in a much different frame of mind than its commencement. My vision statement for the past year included points around: taking action, financial control, health and fitness, the outdoors, ownership of my choices, and finding some level of peace. I didn’t realize it until writing this post, but I really feel these focus areas characterize my journey over the last year. It’s been interesting to say the least, and I’m looking forward to what 2014 will bring. Oh, and why will it be a new beginning? Well, I plan to revamp the blog yet again, but this time, I’ll be transitioning over to WordPress. Yes, I think it’s about time. Exciting things ahead!

Seven years ago today, my grandmother passed away. After her stroke, she fought for several months, but sadly, surrounded by loving family, she moved on. Where to, I guess we never really know until it’s time, but my upbringing and faith make me confident that I will see her again. I’ve thought a lot about her this weekend, not only because it’s been 7 years today, but it’s been a family-centric weekend at home. I don’t see my family nearly enough, as it’s not feasible to fly back and forth that often throughout the year. And although I always feel a family pull back to Toronto, I’m not quite ready to move back. We met with my great aunt this weekend too, and it felt so good to just be present; to acknowledge the fragility of life and that we cannot take these amazing moments spent with family for granted.

My grandmother has had an incredible influence on me, and when I think about the kind of person I am today, I see a lot of her qualities in myself. I remember when we would walk by a bakery or food shop and she would always stop to take a look. Then she would buy something because she ‘just wanted a taste’, and why not if it meant we could enjoy it. She wouldn’t worry too much about money or things because, as she put it, you can’t take them with you when you die. Even well into her 80’s, she had that seize-the-day attitude and would fly to visit her children and grandchildren in Canada when she could. Of course, once she was here, she did not slow down! She would jet-set to London, or Toronto, or Montreal, or New York to visit someone and someone else and someone else. She had an incredible network of connections; people from her past and present for whom she would make time. She was amazingly independent and ridiculously maternal and caring. The stories I’ve heard throughout my life with her always amazed me- how she moved from Trinidad to New York so my mum could get the best care for her hearing, and then moved to London, England to help my aunt… choices that were made for her children because her children and grandchildren were everything to her. And that’s where her happiness was found- with all of her loved ones, both family and friends, and her faith. It’s difficult not to get teary-eyed when I think about her, but my memories are all so positive that it’s never felt like she went very far. Her presence is strong, and rather than be sad today, I can only smile at all of my wonderful memories.

When I was younger and she was visiting, I would wake up, come down the stairs all groggy, and she would look at me, smile and say, “Only a grandmother could love that face”. I would always laugh back. I will never forget those moments.

I love you Granny.