Tag: School

My Dearest Academia,

We are at a crossroads. And the sad reality is, I think we should go our separate ways. When it doesn’t feel good, release me from your shackles. No wait… not yet. Please…don’t leave me, I think I want you back! The truth is, I am in a constant state of flux with you. I want to punch you and embrace you at the same time. I am torn, and if I had a heart, it would be breaking; breaking like how an icy cold heart would break if I dropped it onto an icy cold floor. Please do not be upset with me. We have had a tumultuous- I may even go as far as to say a sordid- past that can only be described as epic, and you’ve had to put up with me through hell and high water… and low water. There’s only so much dramatics one can endure, and as I pound my fist to the heavens, I implore you to listen to me and try to understand what I am about to write.

I have known you all 29 years of my entire life, and there’s always been a strong attraction between us- physical, chemical, academically sensual…. QUANTIFIABLE.  And when we became serious throughout the post-secondary times, things were fantastic. Seven years. Seven years was a long time. You were there when I was a bachelor with honours, and stood by me when I became a master of all things statistical. And sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, with many stresses and tears. It’s been an emotional wooden roller coaster. I remember sleepless all-nighters… and those were some good sleepless nights. I thought we’d be together forever. Is it true that all good things must come to an end? I don’t think so, but let’s say for the sake of argument that it is.

Albeit an amazing, memorable and impressionable seven years, I grew tired by the end; a tiredness akin to a Rhianna song after a month of radio play. I needed to take a break from you, and that was when I was drawn to another… and so I left you. His name was C.R.O., and there was an instant connection. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. He offered possibility, ambition, and an air of sexy professionalism. I did nothing to fight off his advances… and that position felt good. Yuh know I is ah Trini, and I attribute my respectable broughtupsy to my loving parents. But he introduced me to a new world that made me feel great and alive. A world where parties were presented in the guise of town hall meetings to discuss yearly budgets, and pharmaceutical grade drugs were the name of the game. These drugs had an indescribable appeal… but then they became too much, and I began to spiral out of control. I spoke in tongue- FDA, CDISC, ICH, GCP, and SOP guidelines. I started losing touch with the outside world, my reality, and I lost my sense of who I was and what was important to me. I tried to wean myself off… reclaim my weekends and my life, but I kept using more, day and night, with little break in between. It was an addiction, and part of me loved it. The challenge was a high, and to say that I didn’t thrive in that environment would be incorrect and a bold-faced lie. But my own self-analysis of my own self told me I was no longer the self I was analyzing; I wasn’t the same person any longer. Just as awesome, but different. And I longed for you… I really longed for you. And that is when I returned, with the corporate clothes on my back, and you welcomed me with open arms and with no judgement… even though you were aware of my temptation to relapse for that coveted high only the drug world could fix. The prodigal mate had returned.

And the last two years have been perfect. Perfect like the morning sun rising above the horizon of the ocean; the sound of waves crashing onto black rock cliffs with a force that cracks the deafening silence and leaves you speechless. Now that we’re back together, I’ve learned so much from you, and I’ve cherished every minute of it.

But as of late, I have been distant.  I want simplicity and robustness in the relationship, yet recently, you have turned into an unstable model. Diva like, even. You’ve had a plethora of convergence issues, and I don’t know if I can handle them anymore. You’re just too unpredictable and complex for me right now, and I don’t think we see i to i. The fluctuations are too great: when I think our fit is improving, we start regressing. And when I’m on the verge of tears and I think that I’m just done with it!, you send me such lavish gifts like the one you sent me this week. How can I hate you then, as frustrated as I am with you? I melt, get all giddy and proud, and remember my love for you.

But all of this makes me confused, and this is where my crossroads begin. I am at a point where the opportunity for change lies ahead of me. Our current dynamic is a comfortable one with ebbs and flows, but there is a proverbial large silver fork in the road. Do I charge forward now into unfamiliar yet exciting territory, or stick with the status quo? And are you part of what I want for my future?

You sense my conflicted thoughts and feelings like a good partner. You acknowledge the ambition growing inside me that fuels this desire for advancement and change, and you want to be a part of it. So now, you tempt me like a cranberry bliss bar. You’ve inceptioned me with the idea of a grandiose accolade: the PhD. This is a thought that has occupied my mind a thousand times. You’ve tried this before… each year for the last 4 years. Each time, I wrestle with the decision, and each time, I reject you. Do you not understand that no means no? But here you are again, looking all handsome and seductive, wanting to call me doctor…. and it is an enticing game you are playing. How could I not be interested, intrigued, and drawn in by the pheromones you call success? You know I get a nerd-on when you have me lusting after that kind of achievement…

But I do know you, and this is nothing more than an altruistic gesture. In fact, this is one of the reasons why I’ve grown to love you. You’ve always wanted to unlock my potential, and I have the potential to do so many great things in this world. Let’s face it, we’ve already talked about how much awesome is contained inside me, waiting to erupt like an alien baby, or whatever else erupts. I know that I have the diligence and aptitude to achieve a PhD, but is this my path? A colleague told me that I may have all the confidence in the world, but confidence will get me nowhere. Starting something and having confidence will get me wherever I want. It’s the difference between dreaming and doing. I can think about it all I want, but I will only truly know what it’s all about if I apply and try. But starting something doesn’t necessarily mean a PhD. There are so many choices.

We can all achieve our greatest potential by taking the path that is most fulfilling to us personally. This is something I need to figure out, and a good part of me doesn’t think a PhD is the answer to unlocking that potential. You recite quotes like Brian Tracy’s:

“The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good”, 

and I interpret it as: Wow, the world of possibilities waiting to be released is so great, and there’s so much to explore, that maybe a PhD is not in the cards for me right now, or ever. Because let’s be honest with each other: your proposal requires a lot of commitment. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of commitment.  Or you speak of author Tony Buzan’s quote on potential:

“Whatever your discipline, become a student of excellence in all things. Take every opportunity to observe people who manifest the qualities of mastery. These models of excellence will inspire you and guide you toward the fulfillment of your highest potential.”

And I get that you want to be that discipline. But this makes me think: There is so much outside of myself, and my world with you, that I can experience. So many individuals out there, and so many lessons to be learned from them. They could be the people I meet on my travels who help me truly live as much of this amazing and beautiful world as possible, or they could be the corporate managers from whom I learn to unlock my leadership potential and move up that proverbial ladder. This latter option lends itself to other professional opportunities… an MBA perhaps? Or maybe I just need to turn over a new leaf and forge a new path, different from everything we’ve been through and everything I’ve come to know. I’ve lived abroad before, and there’s no reason why I cannot or should not do that again. There is an overwhelming sense of wanting to break free from what I do, and from  the mental constraints that tell me what I should do. But how long would this path sustain me? Part of me feels that would be a disservice to myself and all that I’ve accomplished. A student of excellence in all things- but what are those things? I speak as if you, Academia, and all of my other thoughts are mutually exclusive. Please do not interpret it this way. The thing is, I know you can offer me all of these things, wherever I want to go. Brian Mallow, “Earth’s premier science comedian”, explained academic life perfectly here. With you, I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I can take any direction. We could have an incredible life. I just don’t know if it’s the direction I want to take… or if I want to travel this journey with you. And the bottom line is that I already know my answer. No means no each and every time. I’m just not passionate enough to walk down that aisle with you.

But what if I spend my entire life searching? As I said, I have a fantastic life with you now, and if we can get back onto the same page, our relationship can be magical and I can embrace you once again. What if the most ideal situation for me right now is the situation I’m in right now? The problem with always looking ahead is that sometimes it’s difficult to see that the grass is actually the greenest where I currently stand. Despite all the excrement, there’s good fertilizer here. Deep down, though, I know that I need to move on from this current situation in order to grow, improve myself and advance my skills. What I need is a  Madonna-like reinvention. But who really compares themselves with Madonna? This guy. As exciting, daunting and scary as the next phase will be, a very wise woman of sheer awesomeness recently reminded me that:

“All progress is uncomfortable…”

It’s almost time to jump into that uncomfortable sea of awesomeness. Uncomfortable, of course, because of the piranhas.

In the end, our journey has been rocky at best.  However, can I make such a bold statement and say that I have an understanding and great appreciation for you, and that you just ‘get me’ with unwavering loyalty? And isn’t that something we all desire and strive for? Maybe you get me in a way that no drug, exotic care-free lifestyle or man in a suit ever could. But I’m oddly drawn to pharmaceuticals, aimlessly wandering exotic destinations… and men in suits.  Among all of this dramatic turmoil, you stand by me unconditionally, and support whatever decision I make:

“Any path I choose is the right one, and the one I am supposed to follow.”

And so, I hope you understand why I am torn. Torn between what I may or may not know to be true in the nether regions of my black heart. Perhaps you are to me what Joey Potter is to Dawson Leery: my soul-mate. But as the entire world watched and realized during the epic conclusion of that love story, soul-mates do not always end up together in the end. They are kindred spirits, transcending the finiteness of our current reality. I think I am meant to live a very fulfilling life without you, though I will never be without you. Maybe it is time we go our separate ways. Maybe fate will bring us back together…

Irregardless of the decision to which my inner struggle brings me, you and I have a very special relationship. I am a cold-hearted Leo; I know this to be true. And I have always had trouble communicating with you. So, my dearest Academia, I bequeath to you this haiku with the hope that I am able to convey my juxtaposing feelings that are ready to burst out of my chest like a firework from Katy Perry’s breast:

Academia.

Why do you torment me so?

Yet, I still love you.

Yours, Always and Forever,

Rick